#relatable vol. 1

Okay, so I’m eating half a bag of baby carrots, right? Like, an obscene number of baby carrots, ya know? And while I’m munching along there’s a distinctly “non-carrot” crunch. You guessed it, my friggin lower lip that’s what! Now I’m bleeding all over the bag of carrots – and what am I gonna do, throw away perfectly good baby carrots just cause they got a little blood on em? No way!

So after I get a glass of water and dab my lip with, like, 4 squares of toilet paper, I’m finishing off the baby carrots that have blood on em. Oh, also I’m watching Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers – not really that relevant, but that was the reason I was just scarfing down baby carrots. Cause, I mean, I’m trying to cut back on the junk food and there was, like, ice cream and pop-corn and stuff my friends were eating and I was not havin that! Anyways, I’m back at it with the baby carrots and Frodo was, like, running away from an orc or something and wouldn’t ya know I bite my ding-dang lip again! That’s two chomps in the span of, like, four minutes.

So now I’m pretty pissed off and my lip is stingin to high heaven and there’s just no relief! I take a cold baby carrot and just suck on it like a teething toddler as a single glistening tear drips from my sweltering eye. I can’t even focus on whatever the heck Gimli’s goin on about, cause I’ve got a peach pit sized welt on my lower lip and the taste of blood is pooling in my aching gob! So, naturally, I go “screw it, no more carrots for this poor sap!” – out loud, mind you, completely ruining the tension of the scene. I end up sitting there in a huff, with only three baby carrots left that I’m gonna have to put back in the fridge like a simpleton.

I end up tossing and turning cause my lip-lump is so big I can’t even close my mouth all the way and I’m mouth-breathing like a catfish all night. When I finally get up, it’s nearly noon and I waddle down to the kitchen to make myself lunch. I’m in such a haze, the only thing I can manage is a can of spaghetti-o’s. As we all know, microwaved spaghetti-o’s come in one of two varieties – boiling lava hot or opening the arc of the covenant and melting the skin off your bones – so you can guess which one I got. As I’m gingerly spooning scalding liquid into my still tender mouth-hole, a loose “o” manages to burn the swelling bump and I launch into a fit again – clutching my lips for comfort. By the time the pain has subsided, I’m absolutely starving, so I go for a nice meaty bite and what do you know? It was a meaty chunk of lip again.


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